Restless Nights

Y has this happened to me?

What have u done to me?

I close my eyes at night to go to sleep

But  then my mind starts to wonder.

Drifting off into it's own world

A world to which I've never known.

So many thoughts of you

Rushing in and out

Just as quickly as they came

Moving so fast I don't have time to hold on to one

So many good ones I can't choose which ones to hold and cherish

Calming down a few minutes

Only to re-up more powerful than  the time before

At this point I'm aware of what I'm thinking

But questioning myself of why

why am I thinking about this

I remember telling myself not to

Not to let these constant thoughts consume me

Even though they are  from real feelings

This is from a distant world

one I know will never exist

Maybe if I focus hard enough I can push u outta my mind

Maybe not I find myself weak when it comes to u

I find myself saying and doing things I said I wouldn't do

Since I'm up all night my days drag by

But never going 10 minutes without thinking bout u

U have this certain type of control over me but y

U don't really say much when we speak

But that's just it when we're around each other words are irrelevant

Our minds can't seem to conjure the things our bodies know

They have their own language and codes

I feel betrayed at times

Betrayed by my mind, body and heart

Usually I'm in control of what's going on

But when it comes to u no matter how many times I say no

The rest of me says yes

Doing crazy stuff, stuff like

Getting wet form the sight, scent and sound of u

So while I'm saying no my body is expressing the true feelings

I don't like when we're face to face close enough to kiss

At that point  I'm afraid my heart is beating so hard I can't hear n/e thing else

Its visible from the outside of my clothes

My breathing gets heavier and my hands are  sweating

I can feel pearls of sweat descending down my back

As if it was trying to map out a destination for you to follow

This is really upsetting

I know how strong I am and this is not me

I mean its me but its not the me I know

Maybe another spirit has entered me and is using me for a while

But all the while taking me along for the ride

I can't relate with this woman

I think she's weak

She loves hard and she is a dreamer

I don't have thoughts like her

I know all good thing must end I've experienced it too many times

So much so  I don't care if I ever love again

But her, this man

They both feel it and can't do anything thing about it

I feel sorry for her she wants it so bad

Now I understand why I'm restless

I'm being pulled into to many directions

But not the one I want it to be

Repeat

Love me, hate me, leave me, miss me, beg me, convince me, get me, hurt me, repeat!

Unanswered questions driven by endless second chances. No regrets only hopes of genuine changes. The third time doesn't hurt as bad, the anger doesn't last as long  but the emotional pain is never gone. I want to be able to say I gave it my best but a part of me convinces myself that I didn't  so your chances are deserved. Finally when you have taken everything, I'm left with a desert for emotions and a black hole of love but a bright horizon of hope! I still haven't figured out how you manage to outsmart me. Actually you aren't that clever it's something about me that feels guilty about giving up on you. Every time you show me why you don't deserve me , I push harder to show you I'm here no matter what. Then you walk out again. I deal with these emotions time and time again but this time moving on. Now there is someone new but the crazy part him is everything about him reminds me of you!

REPEAT

qc

Busted Gloves

Its been a long day and i still have more to do. My hands are bruised and tired. My muscles are aching and I' out of breath. I have been fighting for what seems like an eternity  No sparing session could have prepared me for this match. My championship belt is on the line and so is my reputation. I keep fighting more rounds despite countless knockouts and defeated sessions. I'm not a failure nor am i a quitter but this match is taking a toll on me i just want to remove my gloves and throw in the towel. I'm tired of fighting for us. I'm tired of you fighting dirty this hasn't been a clean match since the beginning. I've seen more gimmicks and illegal blows in this fight than any other championship fight. If my wounds were external i would have double black eyes, cuts above the eyebrow , a busted nose and lips. I would rather the physical pain than to bear the emotional and psychological pain. Those physical wound heal quickly but leaving a scar to remind me of my battle and provide me with a constant reminder to move forward and never return to that what caused me pain. Its the pain that doesn't leave a scar that hurts the most. I soon forget how it feels until it happens again and by that time its too late. I find myself in the same situation once more. I give up everything for you time and time again and then u walk away and leave me empty handed and resentful. So I'm telling you that  last go round was your victory lap. I am removing my busted gloves as they prove that i put up a good fight. I am leaving them in the ring and accepting my fall from grace. I will walk down the lonely corridor to the locker room and there i will remove all things which bind me and which represents and ties with my last fight. As i leave the stadium and let the doors close behind me it will be with my head held high and my shoulders light for all my burdens have been laid to rest along with my self grief to be perfect... 

Finally Free

Of all my previous post and the ones that may follow I feel this one will be one of if not the most uncensored, raw and vulnerable part of me. As I prepare to to let my inner thoughts flow, I must admit that Ifeel a certain sadness almost an uneasy feeling but I also feel courageous and you should understand why. Before I go any futher this post is inspired by two individuals who are the motivation behind this stage I am preparing myself for. This is dedicated to Marquis Robinson and Ashley Duncan aka @KingJadine. Two beautiful spirits gone too soon.


Thursday February 02, 2012
I woke up 10 minutes earlier than the alarm clock. I felt great, I was prepared for the day to follow.  I got to work early enough I had time to log onto the local news paper and read a few articles. I read the heading to one that caught and held my attention. "Ex Bellaie Student kills herself after posting a picture of a gun on twitter". Immediately my stomach started to twist into knots so many memories started to rush in and out my pulse rushing trying to think and breath at the same time. Then the image of this beautiful seemingly vibrant young lady appeared. Immediately I logged onto my twitter trying to get a better understanding of this person @KingJadine. The last post a picture of a revolver! I couldn't help but to let the tears flow as I read other tweeters tweets all I could do is look and think most of the comments are from people who most likely have not delt with those type of emotions first hand. Suddenly my day didn't matter. Almost three years ago I attended a funeral for my step nephew from the same thing but there were  no signs or suspicions. This beautiful girl tried to reach out so many times now that its said and done the signs were there. Tweets about wanting to end her life and how she just didn't want to hurt anymore. My nephew didn't do any of this , he  just was gone. A void will be felt by the parents , family and friends forever especially how tragic the circumstances.


I related to this post on two levels, one  on being a person who suffered from depression and another losing someone in that manner. As far as I can remember I had always been an emotional child. Just sad and easily hurt. The first time I thought about committing suicide I was maybe 8 years old. I just felt like I was a burden to everyone and it would be easier if no one had to worry about or provide for me. I got a chair from the dinning room table and placed it inside a closet. I climbed onto the chair and then placed my hands on the railing and hung off as if I was on a monkey bar at the playground. I wanted to make sure it could support my weight if I hung myself. Even as a child I have always been afraid of failure and I wanted to make sure I succeeded even at this task. There was something telling me to stop being stupid and quit thinking those thoughts. I went to our bathroom and laid on the floor and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. My eyes always tell on me, they were puffy the next day but I don't think no one noticed because no one asked. From that moment on it became an internal struggle everyday of my life. I had people to come in and out my life who had such a huge impact on me who didn't even know it but  they were saving me. Just sitting here thinking about this tears are flowing freely. I just thank God he blessed me with those people and an undeniable internal strength. Now as I stated before She seemed happy but this is something you master when you are suffering. You become a master of disguise everyone around you would vote you the happiest person but you couldn't be far from that. You force a smile because that is what happy people are expected to do but when you are alone the inner demons take control. I couldn't begin to count the number of nights and days I have fallen to my knees to pray to God to help me overcome this.


My prayer was answered 09/28/2003 with the birth of my daughter! My life was no longer mine and I was responsible for someone else. I'm not saying I became the happiest person in the world but my life finally had a purpose! I remember having one set back and I immediately checked myself (excuse the language) I thought to my self you selfish MF who is going to be here for her like you, you're already a single parent why make a bad situation worse, don't you dare fail this kid. Sometimes it doesn't take someone else to check you. That was the best reality check I've had thus far. My sadness and darkness is replaced by two guardian angels who speak these words regularly "Mommy I love you" I know its that unconditional love and trust that I am grateful for everyday. I am blessed to share my life  with my children and I pray everyday for my continued mental clarity and now my prayer include for me to be attentive and involved and that I never feel the pain of losing a child.


RIP ASHLEY DUNCAN & MARQUIS ROBINSON~ YOU'RE FINALLY FREE TO RISE AGAIN


I have never spoke these words to anyone and I'm sure after this post I will have questions to answer but thank you to whomever reads this and thank you for being apart of my evolution.


peace
qc

How Many Is Too Many?

So let's see. As you may already know I love music and majority of the time my blogs are inspired by music, emotions and ideas. What would you describe as your ideal mate, what qualities are the most important to you? What do you do when you have options. You find everything you are looking for but in more than one person? Do you then reevaluate your criteria or do you combine all together to make the ” perfect” person. Hmmm ohh the temptation lets just take a closer look. When making life altering decisions I like to have options but sometimes too many options frustrate me and I end up without anything. So I had a Mr.wrong. He was the person I had the most fun with, now that I think about it there wasn't one thing I saw wrong about him. Mr Wrong knew what to say to have me busting at the seams with emotions. He knows how to excite me and keep me calm ohh and I love the way he handles every part of my body. Mr wrong had me hypnotized. His voice alone made the butterflies in my stomach go into over drive. Mr. Wrong knew his strength and power and he used it well. Everytime I tried to walk away something about him pulled me back. Then there was Mr. Insecure. I was in love with him as he was and is with me. Whatever I needed or wanted if it was within his grasp I had it. The ultimate family guy, he accepted me and everything that came with me. He questioned me so many times about what did I see in him he is just a regular guy. No he wasn't just a regular guy. He was a protector and a friend that one person you know for a fact will love you no matter what! Mr. insecure didn't know how to love me so he accused me of the ultimate betrayal. I got tired of declaring my innocence. He loved me with the most care but the same things that made him great also led to him betraying me. Next there is Mr. No Strings Attached. Now ths is the one that bash relationships and rarely finds him self in one, he has no real rational but despise relationships. I call him Mr scared to commit. He was fun I could truly be myself it was perfect we both were to busy and too nonchalant to push it to be anything else I rarely saw or talked to him it was a no questions asked deal. Ohh but then something happened, he started to call more and wanted to spend more time. Wait could it be...nah ohhh but yes..he asked me to be with him. I like you he says, your a down to earth girl. You not like the rest of the girls I encounter. First things first that's because I'm a woman not a girl. I'm surprised you lasted this long..ooh the irony in this. Ha I'm thinking the same thing. Now that I have gotten to know you I see the real quality..my answer (drum roll please) no thanks sweetie. You are cool and all but I rather just be friends. I'm not sure he was mature enough for a relationship. One point for me...take that the take down a dagger to the heart. This last one is not worthy of the options but still a topic of discussion. Mr Do me baby..that's all it was/ is?? Fantasies and pure pleasure. This one here may not have the emotional connection as Mr wrong but the sexual chemistry is unparalleled to any of the others. But ah haa its always a catch..he's taken. He never admitted it but technology is a beast and I know what I need to. This is a fling no potential what so ever.I'm tempted to ask why but honestly I don't care. People claim karma is a bitch but they say the sane thing about life and yet its appreciated. Verdict: case dismissed. Emotional, physical, mental and spiritual jacks of all trades but a master of none


QC

Countless Emotions

I couldn't begin to keep up with the number of times my heart lied to me. I couldn't begin to keep up with the number of times my heart skipped a beat when I hear, see, sense, smell, feel our think about you. I hate you for this, you leave me in the most delicate places. You touch a place that was undiscovered. So forgive me for being taken back with all these foreign emotions. It seems as though you are an expert at these things so that I can be relived and relaxed could you direct me on how to handle this. I get excited to be let down by you time and time again. The reset button on my emotions has been exhausted hell I'm exhausted but the unknown intrigues me, I am a sucker for adventures and you are mine. I can't help but to think that smile you display to me when I see you that it is a sign, perhaps a glimmer of hope. No I take that back it is a guarantee that you feel something there too otherwise I would be doing all of this in vain. You give me just enough to keep me wanting more. Damn now that I think about it you are giving me just enough rope to hang my damn self. I'm not the type that needs to hear ” I love you” everyday because a pair of lips will say anything but I am the kind that does have faith in love no matter how my times it let me down but something so pure is evidently strong enough not to become distorted by any negative feelings. When it comes to you the emotions are countless but today I will start with the number one and hopefully from this day forward I will forever be counting with you right at my side

QC