Finally Free

Of all my previous post and the ones that may follow I feel this one will be one of if not the most uncensored, raw and vulnerable part of me. As I prepare to to let my inner thoughts flow, I must admit that Ifeel a certain sadness almost an uneasy feeling but I also feel courageous and you should understand why. Before I go any futher this post is inspired by two individuals who are the motivation behind this stage I am preparing myself for. This is dedicated to Marquis Robinson and Ashley Duncan aka @KingJadine. Two beautiful spirits gone too soon.


Thursday February 02, 2012
I woke up 10 minutes earlier than the alarm clock. I felt great, I was prepared for the day to follow.  I got to work early enough I had time to log onto the local news paper and read a few articles. I read the heading to one that caught and held my attention. "Ex Bellaie Student kills herself after posting a picture of a gun on twitter". Immediately my stomach started to twist into knots so many memories started to rush in and out my pulse rushing trying to think and breath at the same time. Then the image of this beautiful seemingly vibrant young lady appeared. Immediately I logged onto my twitter trying to get a better understanding of this person @KingJadine. The last post a picture of a revolver! I couldn't help but to let the tears flow as I read other tweeters tweets all I could do is look and think most of the comments are from people who most likely have not delt with those type of emotions first hand. Suddenly my day didn't matter. Almost three years ago I attended a funeral for my step nephew from the same thing but there were  no signs or suspicions. This beautiful girl tried to reach out so many times now that its said and done the signs were there. Tweets about wanting to end her life and how she just didn't want to hurt anymore. My nephew didn't do any of this , he  just was gone. A void will be felt by the parents , family and friends forever especially how tragic the circumstances.


I related to this post on two levels, one  on being a person who suffered from depression and another losing someone in that manner. As far as I can remember I had always been an emotional child. Just sad and easily hurt. The first time I thought about committing suicide I was maybe 8 years old. I just felt like I was a burden to everyone and it would be easier if no one had to worry about or provide for me. I got a chair from the dinning room table and placed it inside a closet. I climbed onto the chair and then placed my hands on the railing and hung off as if I was on a monkey bar at the playground. I wanted to make sure it could support my weight if I hung myself. Even as a child I have always been afraid of failure and I wanted to make sure I succeeded even at this task. There was something telling me to stop being stupid and quit thinking those thoughts. I went to our bathroom and laid on the floor and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. My eyes always tell on me, they were puffy the next day but I don't think no one noticed because no one asked. From that moment on it became an internal struggle everyday of my life. I had people to come in and out my life who had such a huge impact on me who didn't even know it but  they were saving me. Just sitting here thinking about this tears are flowing freely. I just thank God he blessed me with those people and an undeniable internal strength. Now as I stated before She seemed happy but this is something you master when you are suffering. You become a master of disguise everyone around you would vote you the happiest person but you couldn't be far from that. You force a smile because that is what happy people are expected to do but when you are alone the inner demons take control. I couldn't begin to count the number of nights and days I have fallen to my knees to pray to God to help me overcome this.


My prayer was answered 09/28/2003 with the birth of my daughter! My life was no longer mine and I was responsible for someone else. I'm not saying I became the happiest person in the world but my life finally had a purpose! I remember having one set back and I immediately checked myself (excuse the language) I thought to my self you selfish MF who is going to be here for her like you, you're already a single parent why make a bad situation worse, don't you dare fail this kid. Sometimes it doesn't take someone else to check you. That was the best reality check I've had thus far. My sadness and darkness is replaced by two guardian angels who speak these words regularly "Mommy I love you" I know its that unconditional love and trust that I am grateful for everyday. I am blessed to share my life  with my children and I pray everyday for my continued mental clarity and now my prayer include for me to be attentive and involved and that I never feel the pain of losing a child.


RIP ASHLEY DUNCAN & MARQUIS ROBINSON~ YOU'RE FINALLY FREE TO RISE AGAIN


I have never spoke these words to anyone and I'm sure after this post I will have questions to answer but thank you to whomever reads this and thank you for being apart of my evolution.


peace
qc