Restless Nights

Y has this happened to me?

What have u done to me?

I close my eyes at night to go to sleep

But  then my mind starts to wonder.

Drifting off into it's own world

A world to which I've never known.

So many thoughts of you

Rushing in and out

Just as quickly as they came

Moving so fast I don't have time to hold on to one

So many good ones I can't choose which ones to hold and cherish

Calming down a few minutes

Only to re-up more powerful than  the time before

At this point I'm aware of what I'm thinking

But questioning myself of why

why am I thinking about this

I remember telling myself not to

Not to let these constant thoughts consume me

Even though they are  from real feelings

This is from a distant world

one I know will never exist

Maybe if I focus hard enough I can push u outta my mind

Maybe not I find myself weak when it comes to u

I find myself saying and doing things I said I wouldn't do

Since I'm up all night my days drag by

But never going 10 minutes without thinking bout u

U have this certain type of control over me but y

U don't really say much when we speak

But that's just it when we're around each other words are irrelevant

Our minds can't seem to conjure the things our bodies know

They have their own language and codes

I feel betrayed at times

Betrayed by my mind, body and heart

Usually I'm in control of what's going on

But when it comes to u no matter how many times I say no

The rest of me says yes

Doing crazy stuff, stuff like

Getting wet form the sight, scent and sound of u

So while I'm saying no my body is expressing the true feelings

I don't like when we're face to face close enough to kiss

At that point  I'm afraid my heart is beating so hard I can't hear n/e thing else

Its visible from the outside of my clothes

My breathing gets heavier and my hands are  sweating

I can feel pearls of sweat descending down my back

As if it was trying to map out a destination for you to follow

This is really upsetting

I know how strong I am and this is not me

I mean its me but its not the me I know

Maybe another spirit has entered me and is using me for a while

But all the while taking me along for the ride

I can't relate with this woman

I think she's weak

She loves hard and she is a dreamer

I don't have thoughts like her

I know all good thing must end I've experienced it too many times

So much so  I don't care if I ever love again

But her, this man

They both feel it and can't do anything thing about it

I feel sorry for her she wants it so bad

Now I understand why I'm restless

I'm being pulled into to many directions

But not the one I want it to be

Repeat

Love me, hate me, leave me, miss me, beg me, convince me, get me, hurt me, repeat!

Unanswered questions driven by endless second chances. No regrets only hopes of genuine changes. The third time doesn't hurt as bad, the anger doesn't last as long  but the emotional pain is never gone. I want to be able to say I gave it my best but a part of me convinces myself that I didn't  so your chances are deserved. Finally when you have taken everything, I'm left with a desert for emotions and a black hole of love but a bright horizon of hope! I still haven't figured out how you manage to outsmart me. Actually you aren't that clever it's something about me that feels guilty about giving up on you. Every time you show me why you don't deserve me , I push harder to show you I'm here no matter what. Then you walk out again. I deal with these emotions time and time again but this time moving on. Now there is someone new but the crazy part him is everything about him reminds me of you!

REPEAT

qc